6/22/2013 6:00:00 AM Column: Investors prepare for financial apocalypse
Argus Hamilton Syndicated Columnist
Wall Street saw a stock selloff Thursday after Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke hinted he may retire, causing stock investors to panic and run. Merrill Lynch quickly adjusted its investment portfolio. They now hold fifty percent cash and fifty percent canned goods.
The White House released a health study that stunned the drug world. The study said 70 percent of Americans are taking prescription drugs. It's a testament to the power of a celebrity endorsement that people still take Michael Jackson's word for it.
Scarlett Johansson is under consideration to play young Hillary Clinton in the movie Rodham. Already there's controversy. For Johansson to play Clinton is so flattering that the FEC just ruled the rumor to be an illegal campaign contribution.
Hillary Clinton's tenure as Secretary of State was questioned after charges surfaced she covered up sex and drug scandals at U.S. embassies. It won't hurt her. Hillary clearly is on her way to fulfilling her and Bill's lifetime dream of being a two-impeachment family.
USA Today reported the U.S. and Britain jointly share NSA intelligence which is stored in Utah and England. There's no fun left in spying. The next James Bond movie is called The Spy Who Loved Me While Staring at a List of Phone Numbers and Looking for a Pattern.
Time Warner cable suffered a blackout in Hollywood and Beverly Hills Thursday for four hours. Everyone in show business was without Internet service. The streets were a lot safer with drivers talking on their cell phones instead of watching their latest TV pilot.
The FBI announced Thursday it's abandoning its search for Jimmy Hoffa after agents acted on a tip and spent all week digging up a back yard in Michigan. Federal agents have no idea how to track him down. He hasn't made a one phone call in 38 years.
The U.S. Senate neared agreement on an Immigration Bill on Thursday. Resistence to illegal immigration is fierce. If you call the governor's office in Arizona, the recorded message tells you to press one for English, press two for English, and press three for English.