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The Prescott Daily Courier | Prescott, Arizona

home : features : features July 03, 2015

3/12/2013 9:54:00 PM
Column: Red wine study gives insight into miracles
Argus Hamilton
Argus Hamilton
Syndicated Columnist

God bless America, and how's everybody?

Harvard scientists found a chemical in red wine that stops aging Sunday. You'd need 700 glasses of wine a day for it to work. This is how they lived 900 years in the Old Testament and why they thought that burning bushes were talking to them.

The College of Cardinals began their papal conclave in the Sistine Chapel, where the cardinals elect a pope. Everyone's been vetted. The black smoke coming out of the chimney had nothing to do with the new pope; they're just burning evidence.

New York's Cardinal Timothy Dolan drew cheers when he preached in Rome Sunday before the conclave. However, the church is hesitant about electing a pope from America. Sinners don't want drone aircraft verifying the completeness of their confessions.

Daylight Savings Time went into effect Sunday. On the second Sunday of every March, we lose one hour of our lives. It is like nature's version of Facebook.

Southern California was hit by three earthquakes measuring over five points on the Richter Scale. It was likely man-made. All the U-Haul trucks swaying on the highway on the way out of California are causing the ground to rumba.

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg's ban on large sugary drinks was blocked from going into effect on Tuesday. Under the law, it would be illegal in New York to be in possession of a soft drink cup that is 16 ounces or larger. If they catch you it's a fifty-dollar fine, the same as murder.

North Korean leader Kim Jung Un vowed to destroy the United States Friday to honor the wishes of his father, Kim Jong-Il. The nation's late dictator died last year. North Korean newspapers insist that Kim Jong Il didn't die; he just entered a sleeping contest.

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